Xenia of the Heart: A Graduation Speech

Over the weekend, I had the honor of delivering the Faculty Member speech at the graduation of Abington Heights High School. Here is that speech.

Welcome parents, family, and friends, and Congratulations to the Class of 2018.

You are a class of many achievements, great and small—in academics, in sports, in music, in art, in all kinds of extracurricular activities… You have won awards and titles and medals and chocolate bars, and your fame is widespread.

The ancient Greeks had a word for this. You might remember this from sophomore year when you read the Iliad. The word is kleos—and it means your glory, your fame, your outstanding deeds, your “victory royale.” And you, Class of 2018, have a great deal of kleos. The stories of your achievements have been told near and far.

And now, you have a responsibility. Of those to whom much has been given, much is expected. You have these many talents. You have a high school education. You have family that has supported you and loved you. Now, you must give back.

The 13th century Sufi poet, Rumi, said, “Let the beauty of what you love be the good that you do.” And this is your work. Take your talents and gifts and do good with them in this world. Live. Your. Passion.

And using your gifts is not the whole story. Because as you use your gifts and achieve things in this world, you are still a person. You are a human being. You must interact with other human beings. This life is a series of human connections. And I would suggest that who you are as a person is even more important than what you achieve.

The Greeks had another word that you might remember: xenia. Xenia literally means “stranger” or “other.” For the ancient Greeks, xenia meant showing kindness to strangers by way of hospitality. In ancient Greece, there were no Ramada Inns or Hiltons. So showing hospitality to the “other” was not just a courtesy, but a necessity.

This meant welcoming complete strangers into your home, sometimes in the middle of the night, and giving them food and a bath and clothes and a place to sleep. Now please understand: I’m not suggesting you do that—If a stranger comes to your dorm room in the middle of the night looking for a bath and some clothes, do not let them in! Call 911!

I want you to think of xenia in a different way. I want you to think of xenia in an internal way, an emotional way, a xenia of the heart. Xenia means that you show kindness and compassion and presence to people who are “other”—people who are different from you in some way. Maybe they dress differently or act differently or –and this can be the hardest one—maybe they think differently than you. Can you make space in your own mind and heart to be present to them?

That is my challenge to you—not to change your own beliefs, but to create a space, to show hospitality, in your mind and heart—for others.

When you are truly present to others—when you let them exist without feeling judgment or fear or anger or superiority—then you practice true compassion. And that is our real calling in this world, no matter what else you will be doing on the grand scale of human achievements. The goal of this life is to become more compassionate, every day, with whomever is around you.

And that’s the hard part, right? Because sometimes you don’t like the people around you. You might have someone in the cubicle next to you who only wants to show you pictures of her 20 cats. You might have a roommate who blasts Big Time Rush for 12 hours a day. Or, you might have someone close to you that disagrees with your deepest beliefs. But be present to them. Find hospitality in your heart.

This is your work–To be joyful, to be grateful, to be kind, even when it’s not easy. These qualities are not determined by your outside surroundings. They come from inside you.

And that is the TRUE measure of this life. While you are achieving all the great things you are going to achieve—and they will be great, and they will be many—what kind of a person are you? Are you a person of compassion and of presence to others? I challenge you to live with a xenia of the heart.

While you are achieving all the great things you are going to achieve—and they will be great, and they will be many—what kind of a person are you? Are you a person of compassion and of presence to others?

I’m going to give you one last homework assignment! I know you will appreciate that. It has three parts.

1. Read books. 

Especially stories! We are story-telling creatures. The earliest writings in the history of the world are stories. That’s how we are wired; that’s how we think. It’s why you can binge-watch The Office for six hours straight. We love stories. 

Reading cultivates not only intelligence but empathy and compassion. It’s how you can learn about those who are different from you. And every other human is different from you in some way.

I know you won’t have time to read. Do it anyway.

2. Be silent every day.

Take some time every day to be quiet. This will be easier for some of you than for others. I’m not going to name names. You know who you are. 

Be quiet and still. Not just physically quiet, but mentally quiet. Emotionally quiet. Electronically quiet. Get off Snapchat and Fortnite! (Sorry, that was just for my sons. Are my they here somewhere?)

When your mind is quiet, you will experience presence. And in presence, there is peace. If you want peace in the world, you must find peace within yourself.

You will not have time to do this. Do it anyway.

3. Practice gratitude.

And I mean, practice it like a sport.

Because it’s easy on days like today when the sun is shining and everyone’s here and we’re all so happy.

But every day, every moment, there’s thousands of things to be grateful for—from your health to what you ate at your last meal to the people that made your clothes to the fact that you have clothes—there’s an unending list of gifts within every moment, and your job is to see it.

But you have to deliberately practice! We are so busy in our lives, that if you wait to feel gratitude it’s not going to happen.

You could keep a gratitude journal. Or, when you’re waiting in line, instead of checking your phone, you could think of 10 things that you’re grateful for.

Personally, I set alarms on my phone to go off at random times in the day. I realize this is extremely dorky!

I have three younger brothers and we’re all in our forties. Sometimes, at family gatherings, we’ll all be together, and my phone will go off. And my brothers will say, “What’s that?”

And I’ll say, “That’s my gratitude reminder.”

And they’ll say, “You are such a dork!”

And I feel gratitude that they haven’t changed in forty years, and we’re all still doing what we do.

When you get to a space of gratitude, you get to a space of joy. When you live in the space of joy, the whole world opens up to you.

This is what I wish for you, Class of 2018: A life of achievements and kleos, yes, but even more so, a life of deliberate joy. 

So choose compassion. Choose presence. Choose gratitude. And find joy.

Thank you. Congratulations Class of 2018.